The Joy of Cooking Milhouse
by Red Raider
Summary: In Treehouse of Horror V, Mrs. Krabappel reads The Joy of Cooking Milhouse. Well, here is my version of this cook book on how to cook those students who just go to detention once too often! Please read and review
1. Chapter 1

Introduction

Thank you for purchasing the new edition of THE JOY OF COOKING MILHOUSE, the perfect cook book for the disgruntled, lonely and cannibalistic teacher of Fourth Graders.

This is the 687th edition of this extremely popular cook book. The very first edition was published way back in the times of the Ancient Romans where it was widely accepted that teachers would eat failing students. In fact, the first edition was actually written by Julius Caesar himself who, having survived his school years, saw the market for a cook book that would sweeten even the meanest child. The book was No. 1 throughout Italy and the Roman Empire making Julius Caesar the richest man on Earth, at the time. It was with his winnings that Julius paid for his armies and became the first Roman Emperor. This has been disputed by some historians today but, we assure you, there was definitive evidence that this was true. Unfortunately, this evidence was burned when it was accidently chucked into a stew pot full of sweaty, spotty teenagers in the mid 18th Century.

But, never mind how this book came about, the fact is that it is here and you are now reading it. I bet you can't wait to bite into the deep-fried leg of that kid that always flicked his bogeys at you when your back was turned. Or how about tucking into a five star roast dinner consisting of roasted baby teeth, Yorkshire eye balls, fried tongue and a splattering of vegetables... you don't have to eat the vegetables, personally I couldn't stomach those vomit-inducing brussel sprouts.

I feel though that I must explain the title of this 687th edition. You see the very first edition was titled UT QUAM CRUSTULUM PLURRIMI MOLESTUS DISCIPULUS, if you wish to know what this means in english then find someone who can speak Latin because I haven't a clue. Anyway, through the years each edition has received a new title, such as the special Nazi edition WIE ZU KOCH EIN STUDENTISCH UND VERGASEN EIN JUDE and the Soviet Union edition HOW TO COOK FREE STUDENTS EQUALLY IN THE LAND OF FREEDOM AND EQUALLITY. As a side note, the Soviet Union edition was the biggest failure because no one could afford to buy the book. However, this edition is called THE JOY OF COOKING MILHOUSE. The decision was made for this to be the title because of a very complicated, though-provoking and rather strange reason... but we won't get into that right now.

Each new edition is famous for bringing something new to the series, whether it be a new recipe or a new idea in presenting the world with these recipes. For this 687th edition I decided to request new recipes from the public on how to cook students and I have included all of them in this book. It is rather interesting to note that most recipes came from some of the residents of Springfield, USA. In fact, a certain Montgomery Burns donated his family records on how to cook children. Our thanks go out to him.

So, what will you find in the pages that follow this introduction. Well, you'll find recipes that have been perfected over hundreds of years and great modern tips from the world's greatest cannibal Chefs, like Hannibal Lecter and that guy from Texas Chainsaw Massacre that cuts off people's faces and wears them!

So what are you waitng for? Get in the kitchen! Slap on your apron! Wash your hands! Open this book and get cooking!


	2. Super Cakes

**SUPER CAKES**

Sent in by the Comic Book Guy.

The Comic Book guy says – "Recently I began playing World of Warcraft, and I was quite disapointed. After only playing the game for a meagre 14 months with only 5 minute toilet breaks each day I finished upgrading my Warlock to level 100. For this gameplay time I had sustained myself with crackers, crackers and more crackers. I lost 120 pounds! Naturally I was rather peckish, so I grabbed all the little kids that were in my store at the time and cooked up a cake that Superman himself could not resist. (By the way, I am referring to Christopher Reeve's Superman and not the imposter Brandon Routh's Superman, of course!)

Ingredients –

8 litres of Milhouse's tears.

The head of Bart Simpson

One little toe from Lisa Simpson (preferebly the right one)

Recipe –

Firstly, I had to get the tears from the boy called Milhouse, this turned out to be the easy part. I simply had to reveal that I had security footage of Milhouse hiding behind the shelves whilst he 'appreciated' the Wonder Woman comic. Personally, I don't know why he felt he had to hide, I don't hide when I 'appreciate' the fine detail that Marvel artists went into when they drew Wonder Woman, and I'm not a loser. Oh... wait...

Having aquired the tears from the annoying, blue-haired kid I now decided to combine them with the head of a certain Bart Simpson. The reason I did this is simple, the Simpson boy has eyes larger than a Whale's testicles. If I had eyes like then I could read my comics twice as fast! Based on the laws of Marvel physics, if I ate the eyes then I would also get large eyes. Just before I finished Bart off, he stubbornly exclaimed 'Eat My Shorts!' so I threw them in with Milhouse's tears and Bart's head.

Thirdly, I needed an ingredient that would make me unresistable to all women. Unfortunetaly, I don't know much about women so I was at a loss for this one. But, using my Vulcan mind of pure logic I was able to deduce what I needed. What I needed was a woman with perfect legs, large breasts and an attitude that said 'Come and get me!'. However, I hit a problem, all women detest me and run home crying when I introduce myself. So, I had to settle for Lisa Simpson, apparently she had come in to find her brother. But I had to deal with another problem, I was just about to chop Lisa up when she suddenly revealed that there was a comic book convention in Springfield that very day! I was so overjoyed that I raced around Springfield searching for this convention. Suddenly I realised that Lise had lied to me, I should have realised earlier because Nerd Sense had never tingled like it should have. When I returned all I found was Lisa's little toe, apparently she had tripped over on her way out.

Finally, I combined all the ingredients in a radioactive, plasma-generating, gas-fuelled oven for about twenty minutes. The result was a monster the size of Stan Lee's ego! God help us! God help us all!


End file.
